Suffer the Children
Suffer the Children
"I kill children
by ron provine
I like to see them die..."
Dead Kennedys, I Kill Children
You can hardly turn on the television anymore without seeing that
some fat ugly sexually frustrated kid just hitting puberty, usually in
Mississippi or one of the other states that just exist to give America
a bad name in the global community, has gone and shot up a few of his
classmates and teachers. Sometimes the kids even lay lethal traps,
displaying more ingenuity than one would expect from such a creature.
Perhaps if the ACT's added a section for paramilitary and militia
tactics, the average score for the state of Arkansas would rise above
the elusive 11 mark.
And when little redneckins aren't shooting themselves and handy
authority figures, some 10 year old ghetto defendant is on trial for
wasting his 11 year old best friend with a semi-automatic weapon for
disrespecting his bitch.
Kids are just growing up so fast anymore.
Many people are alarmed by all this violence, but I think a
simple policy reform will channel all this ill-expressed frustration
into positive action. I don't mean midnight basketball--the last
thing we need to do is encourage still more young boys to become part
of what is essentially a million dollar slave raquet/freak show. And
now with the WNBA women are getting involved too, and why not. Girls
are idiots too and a few of them can jump high.
Nor am I advocating channeling this energy into artistic pursuits.
What the world does not need is one more redneck writing about his
life and times or about the struggles she went through growing up in
the deep south. And as for the urban youth--god please, no more
gangster rap. No more. (Note: The worst part about this
manifestation of the Epichorean Muse is not the music, but the way
women universally sway rhythmically when it is played. One can tune
out the music, but to avoid the dancing one needs to either walk
around with one's eyes closed or, better still, figure out a way to
ram one's head up one's ass until the offending sight goes away.)
No, the policy reform I advocate is a simple one. Arm the kids
with reliable guns and teach them to shoot straight. Think of all the
fun and goodness this would result in.
In the first place, we have a ready pool from which to draw in
the event of a war. Just by virtue of this system, anybdy who lives
to be 18 or so can be assumed to be a damned good soldier. What, with
Iraq being so mean to us, and the Russians getting pissy (and still
armed with enough nukes to blow up the world some absurd # of times),
with fools and madmen controlling the nukes in breakaway republics,
China India and Pakistan all being what Kissinger might term
"fuckstains"...well you get the point. A standing militia *is*
necessary, after all, to the protection and maintenance of our nation.
Secondly, we would finally have a fully armed proletarian. Class
envy is alive and well today, when some kids have expensive clothes,
computers and opportunities, while others have big hunks of poop that
life gives them from which they can make, as the Red Meat comic strip
suggests, poop juice. By the junior year of high school on, kids know
who the privileged fucks are, and who the whiny sons of bitches with
pseudoangst and nice warm homes and families to go back to are. I bet
one or two of the poor and downtrodden and federally armed students
will find interesting things to do with their guns and training.
Control the means of production? Establish a government of the
workers? Or just kill a few blonde haired Abercrombie and Fitch clad
SOB's? I don't think you can go wrong.
Oh, and there is a third benefit. See, if kids are armed,
everybody is going to have to arm themselves well and learn to defend
themselves. And the fat, ugly, misunderstood kids who go on shooting
sprees in Arkansas and wherever else are the ones who are going to
take the most risks. Most of them fancy themselves military minds and
bodies anyway (despite the obvious fact that their girth and poor
vision makes them fit only for permanent latrine duty). These kids
are bound to take military risks and get killed in high numbers,
ensuring fewer web pages overall and preventing any chance, however
remote, that they might reproduce.
So yes, arm the kids. Let them have their fun, boys will be boys
after all. It can lead to nothing but goodness.
home...columns index...author's index