by scott heisel

I like pro wrestling.  I mean, I REALLY like pro wrestling.  It's kinda
weird, though.  I'm what you would call a "closet" fan.  I actually change
the station when my parents walk into the room.  I don't want them seeing
me watching it.  I don't know why, this has always just been a fear of
mine; maybe I thought they'd punish me for watching grown men in tight
spandex grab between each others legs, or something to that effect.  Back
in the early 90s I kind of drifted away from the WWF (WCW was and still is
a piece of monkey poo), but occasionally found myself watching Superstars
on FOX, back in the day when guys only wrestled jobbers, and there were
only 3 or 4 PPVs a year [Happy content sigh}.  Then, about a two and a half
years ago, I saw Monday Night RAW.  Wow.  It was like I was 6 years old
again, watching Hulk Hogan beat some bad guy's butt.  Even though I knew
everythign was scripted, the matches were predetermined, etc etc etc, I
still was intruiged by it.  Like it has been labeled thousands of times
before, it is a soap opera for men.  Truer words have ne'er been spoken.
And let me tell you, even though I know what is going to happen most of the
time, I can tell when the guys really AREN'T hitting each other, or
anything like that, you still can get the greatest rush when your favorite
wrestler comes through that curtain, ready to kick some ass and chew some
bubblegum (name what movie that is from, and I might send you a copy of my
band's CD for free).  But still, I find myself providing muted cheering.
I'll often be sitting in the basement, quietly watching RAW, as my mom or
dad sit in the computer room.  I try to have it down low enough so they
cannot tell what I'm watching.  It is really hard containing yourself,
though.  I've caught myself flailing around on the sofa in agony as the guy
I'm rooting for is getting his ass kicked across the ring.  I've caught
myself biting my nails as near-fall after near-fall occurs, then almost
tearing my hair out in agony as the guy I want to win barely kicks out.
I'm sure not much of this makes sense to any non-wrestling fans out there,
and with good reason.  Not just anyone can be a wrestling fan, "closet" or
not.  That is why I've come up with the Top 10 Signs You Know You're A True
Pro-Wrestling Fan.  Without further ado...
10. If you can name Mick Foley's 3 alter-egos with their win/loss records.
9. If you recite wrestler's catch phrases in unappropriate places without knowing it(i.e. yelling "OH HELL YEAH!" when the pastor at church says "Amen").
8. If you wake up with your pillow in a cross-face chicken-wing.
7. If you know your favorite wrestler's birthday, and send him/her flowers, candy, etc. because of it.
6. If you threaten to spear your mom when she doesn't make Stove Top stuffing with chicken.
5. If you trek over 100 miles to see a show, just because it will be on TV and you hope your "Sable 4:69?" sign will get noticed by her.
4. If you actually believe that you can give your boss the Stunner and get away with it.
3. If you believe that those nudie pictures of Sunny that you found on the net are real, and not cut-and-pasted.
2. If you tell your teacher to "Suck it!" when they ask you for the answer to a problem.
And The Number One Reason is....
If you actually take the time to read this shitty column just because it's about wrestling.

Until next time,
I'm Scott and I'm A Lamer.

PS- check out my band Outlander's site, thanks!
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